Life Critique

The story is set up as a list, but it is unclear of what, even after completion of the reading—possibly instructions? I wanted more description of the essential starters to life besides money, especially since the game monopoly is used twice, unlike the other examples. Some of the wording is unnecessary and weakens the force the listing creates, such as starting with “but” and “once again”. The most obvious revision, though, is the near constant switch from second person singular to second person plural. It isn’t as forceful to jump back and forth from you to we and vice versa. Either is effective, as long as only one is chosen.  I like the concept of board games compared to life and I find the “title” appropriate (although it could be changed to “The Game of Life”) but it seems like a waste to not include any examples of the board game Life itself.  At the same time, I don’t see why the title isn’t set off from the rest of the list. There could also be more links to games, potentially branching to video games (relationships like “saving the princess”? ) if you want to go in that direction. The limit really just depends on how far you take it. “Games” is a very broad term: intellectual strategy games,  card games, board games, violent video games, and physical outdoorsy games. Perhaps there is one link to all of these that you could find and emphasize? 

Excerpts Critique

 My interpretation of this piece is that it is a divorce and the understanding of it from the eyes of a toddler but I’m not sure of the form. It seems to be excerpts _from a childhood, but doesn’t feel like a journal. The epilogue is the expression of the narrator’s confusion over her childlike understanding of the divorce—maybe the strange way in which she presented it to herself or her disbelief that she didn’t see what was right in front of her. The opening seems to focus on colors and blue is seen throughout the piece, but I think this could be more prevalent. The first line hints at the contrast of love in marriage and hatred in divorce. The phrase “a house which nowadays…” implies that the house was not that way before, something I like about the childlike interpretation. Maybe more could be done to show how the narrator’s interpretation changed as she got older. Much is mentioned about “the spirit of ___,” something that seems reminiscent of being able to get the gist of an ideabut not able to firmly grasp the concept.  The rest of the piece is a string of childish images, hate, and desires. I love the phrase “I burned my heart” which appears to be a physical manifestation (heartburn) of emotional pain.  The last entry seems to be a call back to the first—a description of the photo which is placed on the refrigerator at the end. 

What was is Gone Critique

The experiment is in the story told backwards, as the opening is in an “aftermath,” leaving the reader curious and confused. I like the unintentional understatement in the news: “just absolute chaos” but it might undermine the seriousness of the situation. The tension rises with the line “Any calls from my sister?” which hinted towards a family matter, yet her sister is not alluded to in the rest of the piece, which could be rectified easily. The line “Sorry for your loss” sounds more like a loss of a family member, which is confusing. Little hints at the misfortune of the situation dot the piece such as Rhonda peeing in a bucket. I think these could be multiplied. The phone call to Rhonda could use more ellipses in the place of her responses. There could also be more of a build up to the evacuation, such as seeing the weather report before Al went to play golf and exchanging a look. The ending is a start contrast, obviously intentional, with “And everything was fine.” Personally, I think starting with “And” takes away the separation and finality of the sentence. I want to see more of the family matters of trying to get into contact, of the feeling of isolation. There could be a hint at what Rhonda had planned for her birthday, but in some sort of tragic way, such as something reminding her of it while simultaneously reminding her of her situation. 

Cynthia Critique

 I find it odd that the sentence "Cynthia doesn't particularly...doesn't like Cynthia at all" is placed so unassumingly in the first paragraph (not even the last line, but the second-to-last line), yet it is so telling once the reader factors in the events at the end of the piece. I wonder about the opening because, even though it segues nicely, it doesn't do much for the character or the piece except maybe create an interesting parallel with the two characters eating. It is mentioned that she has been away from home but neglects to mention where. I find the narration striking because for some reason the more thoughtful portions ("Probably more than she loves her own parents" and "Cynthia often wonders...Cool Ranch Dorito") seem so much like something out of a preteen novella to me for some reason (preteens always seem to be daydreaming and not loving their parents as much as they should). I would like to see a buildup of the adjectives describing Jill at the last sentence of the paragraphs, a new one for each paragraph, with the list growing (thin-lipped Jill...audible thin-lipped jill...deceiving audible thin-lipped Jill, etc. I like the detail that Cynthia deaf in her right ear but isn't developed and I can't help but think it'd be an interesting story. I think all the segues work really well and develop the characters. The last line works really well to sum up the staple of the characters.

Blue Critique

This piece seems to experiment with a maritime version of Red Riding Hood, which I didn't see coming despite the title. I found the opening a little confusing because the first character other than blue mentioned is his grandpa, his mother's father, but the first character to speak is his stepfather. I think a line defining his stepfather's character or relationship with Blue would clear up this confusion. Also, the shack is the first room mentioned, but when he walks into what is designated "the room," which is clearly not the shack, it is unspecified where the room is. I love the shoe-tying rhyme as it really adds to the childishness of the piece. The opening seems a little heavy-handed, but that only adds to the fairytale, meant-for-children feel. The child's past and imagination are fleshed out clearly, quickly, and creatively. The entire red-riding-hood-esque bits seem entirely off-kilter compared to the rest of the piece, creating a jarring feel. The shark shows up abruptly and without much notice, quickly establishing the magical realism, but I would still like to see Blue react rather than just replying (does he even look?), even if it is casually. His shark's suffocation also seems abrupt, so much so that I thought it was faking somehow, as he was above water for a long time beforehand. There is also no mention of the shark or his fate later in the story. I love the detail of his father's shoelaces being untied. 

Voicemail Critique

I think the interest is in the characters, which are hard to develop with one-sided conversations. It’s difficult to imagine the characters with what is given, but that is something you can work with: Is Anne a crazy stalker or is she lonely and misunderstood? Is Marcy stuck up or is she simply put off by Anne’s forwardness? It’s impossible for the reader to tell how Marcy and Anne met and whether there was any ambiguity in Marcy’s offer of a movie, and whether Marcy listened to the voicemails or ignored them.  Another interesting detail is in the voicemail messages they leave for callers—Marcy naturally seems like the sympathetic character (“Have a blessed day”), though just from the plot you’d assume otherwise. Both the characters are sympathetic, because they own up to faults, but its natural for a reader to favor one. In this case, though, it’s hard to choose. The details really add to the interpretation; it is mentioned that Anne took Marcy’s number from facebook which is usually a little suspicious and later she knows it from memory and has it on speed dial but Marcy was definitely harsh in her response. Marcy’s response through email is curious though, and seems like a bit of a cop out—why would one respond to texts and voicemails with an email? One thing that really sticks with me though is the line “I thought we had something” because that reads like a potential romantic relationship.  

Conceal or Reveal Critique

The opening of this piece creates a feeling of universality or simply ambiguity with the phrase “his or her, or her or her, or his or his.” I think this should be clarified and emphasized.   The characters seem relatable enough for it to be universality yet parts of the narrative are specific. After the depiction of the characters’ emotional distance, there is a hypothetical second person. From a zoomed in, intimate vignette of journaling, I find the phrase “like the news broadcast” disruptive, forcing the reader to zoom out once drawn in.  The specific mention of degrees, while hard to visualize somewhat, adds to the interesting parallel of abstract and distinct. The idea of being as revealed as presently comfortable contrasts with the characters’’ agreeing “to withhold their secrets.” While this illustrates a desire for complete acceptance at conflict with the fear of revelation, it is a bit confusing. What follows is statements of certainty coupled with an “or” which creates interesting parallel branches of narrative. However, the third scenario seems to have some pronoun discrepancies and becomes incomprehensible.  The ending is riveting, portraying the human desire to meet expectations but at the same time mentions an archetype, again zooming out. It’s hard to reconcile the image of a failing relationship that the participants are struggling to continue with the distance and superficiality portrayed. Also, the tendency to try to zoom out suddenly comes as a non-sequitur, as well as the entire second paragraph.