My best friend is going to prison Critique

The experiment seems to be one story detailed with various forms of communication with spacing playing an important role. I think the spacing could be better utilized on the first page, when defining probable cause, making it look more definition-like. The early opening seems unlike any other form of the piece and I think it should be more “tied down” to the narrative. However, it segues nicely into the definition and what I presume is a report, which could be made clearer. The emphasis on the second page would benefit from centering.  The next is the main form of communication, revealed to be mail, but without any greeting or recognizable form.  It is interspersed with texting, journal entries, and a review for a prison. The prison review, seems not particularly necessary, very abrupt, and just downright strange and formal after so much emotional spillage. The amalgam of apparently conflicting emotions at the end seems characteristic of the speaker, but leaves the reader with this tangled ball of emotions with only a mild desire to untangle them.  I want to see the emotions swirling around the speaker’s head, changing shape and form, growing and shrinking. I want them to be exemplified through words, as well as more playing with spacing and text size.  “I love you. Fuck. You ruined everything.  I hate you. You mean everything to me. You mean nothing to me. Fuck. You made everything better.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.”

Here Lies Love Critique

The form lies in the style with its vivid imagery and unexpected juxtapositions. There is also the unusual lack of a proper pronoun for the first half of a page. The title is reminiscent of an epitaph. The first section is one line, making it very jarring and placing emphasis on it. The second section is sensual imagery, with effective alliteration and repetition. There is the interesting juxtaposition of “Lake Geneva blue and nondescript purple something-other.” There is a foreboding mention of “evil inside her”. There are also recurring images of triangles. The speaker seems robotic while the girl has no distinct image to cling to. The third begins to hint at the relationship between the two with recurring shape images. The fourth names what the reader is lead to believe is the girl from the first three sections, Katherine, as indicated by yet another shape images. There is a mention of “her lake” which brings the reader back to the second section. The fourth section ties together all the shape imagery, reconciling it with geometry. It is at this point that I feel satisfied I have “understood” the piece and sit back and let the rest wash over me without reaching out to grab anything. The fourth mentions more of Katherine and the fifth brings back the seasonal imagery planted (pardon the pun) in the first line. Overall, I think there needs to be more tying this piece together, more lines weaved through.

In Fair Asphodel Critique

The opening is very tactile with lots of sensual, possibly sexual descriptions. There’s a hint of corruption in the carbuncles, razor blades, and condoms. As much as I like the depraved casually included with the more mundane, I think the word “condoms” could be better arranged within its sentence. The house is described in “outside”, more exposed words. The idea of the carousel floating down the river gives me a feeling of displacement, that I am in a boat and it seems as though everything is moving around me- I think it fits this piece. The river boils, an internal conflict. The meadow is futile, but the reader knows not what this means- what is the meadow’s purpose? I like the juxtaposition of the dark verb “plague” and casual “dotted with.” The flowers “anxiously pulsate” but the reason for this is unsure. The corpses’ movement is abrupt and unexpected. The king is anguished, but the reader doesn’t know why. The sultry scene is renewed with the flowers, now dancing as well. I like the Unintended Lullaby as a potential title. The final section is separate, indicating there is supposed to be some big reveal or understanding at the end, just from reading this one line. However, I find that the images in the story are so surreal and contrasting that I spent more time trying to reconcile them with one another than trying to extract the meaning and purpose of the story, leaving me confused. 

Café Nada Critique

The experiment of this work is obviously in the form of a fictional travel guide. The form is emphasized in the mention of the competition, Café Dada, as well as the voice throughout the entire piece. The French serves to emphasize the elegance and decadence of the restaurant. There’s almost an air of haughtiness and exclusion that highlights the absurdity of the subject- it is rare for most artists to be associated with luxury, perhaps highlighted in the irony of the free lunch, because “they have to pay for only the tables, glasses…” etc. There’s also the caustic jab at English majors in the description of the serveur’s background. The true incongruity is in the thought-out graffiti in the toilettes, including parodies of classified ads and the obligatory “call for a good time”. The name of the restaurant/ title itself is a play on words, nada  being hope, nothing, or slang for zero to which the text draws attention. I wish there could have been more included, such as the hinted-at literary-based menus. As it is now, its hard to imagine anyone eating at this restaurant, which might be the point. At the same time, it seems reminiscent of lavish Greek feasts, but a feast of the mind rather than the stomach, a place of respite for the thoughtful rather than the gluttonous. Perhaps the theme of the whole piece could best be summarized as a sort of “food for thought’ motif. I’d eat there.

Things in a Shooting Gallery Critique

The piece is an interesting split between proverb-type sections and more prose-like sections. I think that the arrangement of these could be a little more effective, as the main group of three proverbs takes place right after childhood. The second two are warranted, mentioning elementary school and children’s perception of guns, but “Stick to your guns” could take place somewhere else in the narrative. This irony is echoed in the comparison of pride and patriotism. The idea that the narrator was female came a shock when she mentioned her purse was stolen. The entire purpose of “A little episode” went completely over my head-the entire buildup is undermined by the last two line’s confliction. I like that the narrator’s obsession with Annie Oakley is both emphasized but at the same time understated in the lines “I purchased every book about her.” The line says so much and so little. The line “the little girl with the big gun from Oklahoma” made me pause and wonder if the gun or the girl or both were from Oklahoma.  T idea of feminism should be explored more than at the end of “‘They’re called Marksmen, Mijo’” or left out completely, in my opinion. The whole piece is a collage of this daughter of a gun shop owner’s life and perception of guns. At first she seems indifferent to them but then becomes obsessed with Anne Oakley and proud-slash-patriotic. There could be more of a buildup.

i should have taken an ambien Critique

I like the idea of a therapist’s suggestion leading to a stream of consciousness piece during  a fit of insomnia. I wonder about her exact medium- is she on a computer or a physical journal?  This could at a lot to the piece about he personality- is she more old-fashioned or contemporary? Garside’s personality is hard to distinguish because the image of “army” green pants and his daughter’s name being cloud contrast, one being more drill sergant-ish and the other being more hippie-ish. Neither add to the idea of a typical religion teacher. Could this be explored more? I really like the phrase of “spit and bullshit” and the juxtaposition of the physical and the metaphorical. I would like to see more of this. I wish I could see more of the narrator, as our first idea of her personality is “if people like me go to hell then heaven will definitely be really boring” and we aren’t given the name Caitlyn until halfway down the last page. Just the fact that she call her grandfather “gramps” hints at their relationship. I would like to see more- was he a “fuddy duddy”?  Where does she think he went after death? I think the ending about feeding people “drugs instead of fear” was very powerful and it seems like just the start of an angry rant. I was kind of disappointed afterwards when she just left to sew her pants after that.

The Explorer Critique

The piece’s form is a case file for a psychiatric patient. The patient is obviously Dora the Explorer, or a child projecting herself to be Dora. The description could use some more clinical-ized examinations, rather than bunching them all up at the end. There could be some skepticism implied, such as using phrases like “as she calls them” and quotation marks around “friends”. There could be some more misunderstanding implied, such as “enjoys cowboy cookies: it  is not known whether this name is due to the shape or the ingredients of these ‘cookies.’” There should be more use of present tense. The lack of interest in her younger siblings could indicate some jealousy, as it is normal for older children to be displaced when younger children are born, yet this is not discussed. I think the “audience of children” doesn’t seem like something she would recognize, along with other things, like the iguana’s crush on the monkey. I think there should be more of a 5 year old’s perspective on things.  I am curious about how the patient got admitted to the clinic, whether she fought, and more about how she reacts to certain treatments. I almost want to see this as a “released” file, where we see her reactions to the treatment upon release. The doctors see her interact with other adults, but have they seen her interact with children outside her family? Does she try to explain things to them against their will?

The Last Will and Testament of Edward P. Unum Critique

The experiment in the piece is the form as a living will. I would like to see some more of Edward Unum’s personality. There seems to be a little humor in the line “I tried not to [die]” and I wonder if that was a facet of his personality. The entire piece seems to me to have a bitter, ironic undertone. His parents “never sought…responsibility”, which makes me think of many young, unwed mothers being told to take responsibility for their actions and implies he was an “accident.” His uncle was said to give “sometimes less than I needed” and his gift is for “everything you said you would do.” However, the uncle appears to be still living, so that’s probably accounting for promises in the future. Of course, Edward is sick, so the death should not have come as a surprise. Edward had to look at “what [his godfather’s] intentions are] when asking them for advice, which seems suspicious. He also undermines his doctor, saying “even for just a short period.” Even Libby, who is apparently his wife, was never “too far” behind. His son, he merely wishes the best of luck. All these implications made me anticipate some sort of rebellion, fake-out at the end or some twist. There’s also 2% of the fortune missing, but that could just be some custom I don’t know about. It reminds me of The Frantic’s “Last will and Temperment” sketch.